"Dear Agony" is one of my favorite songs and it also describes my life. The melancholy that I feel often makes me imagine the pain as a separate entity. Giving it a name, maybe "Agony", makes it seem more innocent and normalizes my experiences. Saying "What can we do... I'll just have to endure it!" becomes easier.
Am I being too hard on myself? I can't answer that question because I know myself too well. Sometimes I think that if I could commit suicide, many people would be in a better situation and I wouldn't cause pain to others. But at other times I think "if the people I love loved me as much as I love them, I couldn't do this bad thing to them!" Maybe that's what keeps me alive. I don't want to go to heaven or hell. The burden of consciousness is too heavy. The idea of heaven seems pointless and boring, with everything being perfect. Aren't beautiful things supposed to be the ultimate goal? Then why all this effort?
The idea of hell also seems boring. It used to be just the idea of burning in fire, but now it's evolved to match our fears. But no matter how much it evolves, it still loses its meaning because of its patterns. The pain we feel is only human. My melancholy has made me very familiar with it. So how meaningful can hell be?
Despite all this, what keeps me alive is not only the people I love, but also the ideals I want to achieve. Even though I know how ridiculous and human those ideals are, they still exist and I still want to pursue them. They definitely deserve it.
Then I think... all of this is just a way for my ego, this sense of self, to draw attention to itself. Inside, it's saying "Look at me; aren't I cute? don't hit me! don't hurt me!" in order to make me suffer and elevate it, to give it more value. It's actually the mask of my selfishness.
When I die, it is a natural event and the world will continue to go on. The people who are affected by our death will eventually cope and move on. The desire for immortality is meaningless, as death is a natural part of life. Even if we try to prove our existence, the evidence we provide is invalid. The evidence is also part of the natural flow of life. The famous statement "I think, therefore I am" raises the question, what does thinking really mean? If it is just a fiction created by human, what is the meaning of existence and non-existence if nothing really exist? The truth may be beyond our understanding and it's possible that our existence and understanding of it is limited by our human perception.
Exactly, even if we are just beings that have been deceived by the illusion of existence and there is something bigger than the nothingness we know, the meaning we give to our lives would still be affected by this. That is why we should always make the most of the gift of life and respect the right to exist for other living beings, no matter what. We should always strive to make the most out of our time here, and appreciate the beauty and joy that life has to offer.
Am I being too hard on myself? I can't answer that question because I know myself too well. Sometimes I think that if I could commit suicide, many people would be in a better situation and I wouldn't cause pain to others. But at other times I think "if the people I love loved me as much as I love them, I couldn't do this bad thing to them!" Maybe that's what keeps me alive. I don't want to go to heaven or hell. The burden of consciousness is too heavy. The idea of heaven seems pointless and boring, with everything being perfect. Aren't beautiful things supposed to be the ultimate goal? Then why all this effort?
The idea of hell also seems boring. It used to be just the idea of burning in fire, but now it's evolved to match our fears. But no matter how much it evolves, it still loses its meaning because of its patterns. The pain we feel is only human. My melancholy has made me very familiar with it. So how meaningful can hell be?
Despite all this, what keeps me alive is not only the people I love, but also the ideals I want to achieve. Even though I know how ridiculous and human those ideals are, they still exist and I still want to pursue them. They definitely deserve it.
Then I think... all of this is just a way for my ego, this sense of self, to draw attention to itself. Inside, it's saying "Look at me; aren't I cute? don't hit me! don't hurt me!" in order to make me suffer and elevate it, to give it more value. It's actually the mask of my selfishness.
When I die, it is a natural event and the world will continue to go on. The people who are affected by our death will eventually cope and move on. The desire for immortality is meaningless, as death is a natural part of life. Even if we try to prove our existence, the evidence we provide is invalid. The evidence is also part of the natural flow of life. The famous statement "I think, therefore I am" raises the question, what does thinking really mean? If it is just a fiction created by human, what is the meaning of existence and non-existence if nothing really exist? The truth may be beyond our understanding and it's possible that our existence and understanding of it is limited by our human perception.
Exactly, even if we are just beings that have been deceived by the illusion of existence and there is something bigger than the nothingness we know, the meaning we give to our lives would still be affected by this. That is why we should always make the most of the gift of life and respect the right to exist for other living beings, no matter what. We should always strive to make the most out of our time here, and appreciate the beauty and joy that life has to offer.
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